“My ass is grass? Oh, my ass is grass? No, your ass is grass buddy. I'll mow you down like Kentucky Blue, don't think I won't! I'll take you to the curb and tie you up pal! I'll have my son stomp on you to make you fit into fewer bags. And then in a few weeks I'll do it again. After I get done they'll be pieces of you left in the yard and I'll have to get them up with a rake. You will be too finely chopped up from getting mowed over again and again and again and again. And if there's any of you left I'll get my leaf blower out and blow you into the neighbors yard. If you get worms or June-bugs during the summer I'll come out with a pesticide and just pour it all over you. Yeah, I'm done fucking around. Not one of those cheap pesticides from the hardware store either. I'm paying full price to get a company out here. They'll be looking at the worms and be like “yep, this is gonna be expensive.” I'll tell them, “do whatever it takes. Money is no object when it comes to caring for my lawn. Use toxic chemicals.” And they will!
“Then on trash day the trash-men will come by and only pick up two of the bags, leaving a whole bag of you just sitting out in the heat. Our neighborhood has a two bag limit. Since it'll be hot out you'll start to stink and I'll smell you every time I pull into the driveway. I'll have to throw you into a few more bags, double or triple bag you. Maybe I'll use white or yellow bags so you don't absorb so much heat. But it will just be so hot and damp out that you'll keep stinking up my driveway anyway. I'll have to borrow my friends truck, throw the last bag of you in the back and then drive around the neighborhood until I see a poorly monitored dumpster. I'll probably have to throw you into the dumpster behind the Target, that's where I usually take it. And I'll underestimate your weight and miss the dumpster a couple times as I throw you in, tearing the bag on that little metal flap that sticks out but that's never used to lock the dumpster. Yeah, laugh it up loser. I'll be ready for it and pull a rake I brought with me out of the back of the truck. I'll rake you up and throw you into the dumpster, fist by fist. Then I'll drive home. Wash the stains you left out of my pants. Change into my nice pair of shoes. Then sit down in my lazy-boy and fall asleep. And the whole neighborhood will marvel at my immaculate lawn not knowing some dumb chump is...” He said as the world exploded into a bright and beautiful ball of fire. All lawns were scorched and spread throughout the universe. Our hero's greatest achievement, his lawn, was sent to regions of space and time where no man will venture.